Fandom: Hawaii Five-0
Parings/Characters: Steve/Danno, Chin, Kono, Jenna, Rachel and Grace is mentioned.
Rating: R for language
Word Count: 1,868
Disclaimer: I in no way own any part of Hawaii Five-0
Warnings/Spoilers: Takes place after the season one finale
Summary: Steve is broken
Author's Note: I was very...hmm...very upset with the finale to say the least and I tried to fix it, I tried my best to come up with something that could make it all better but I found most of the summer it was just easier to ignore the last two episodes and pretend they never happened. Unfortunately they happened and one night I found myself so angry with my real life I could explode. So I channeled that anger and wrote this while listening to the song "You Can't Break a Broken Heart" by Kate Voegele. It seemed to fit and after going over this fic I was inspired to make an angry, broken Steve fanmix...which I have a feeling will turn into a ficmix before I'm finished with it! LOL So, I hope you enjoy!
Danny Williams thought about the car chase with Steve when he threw out the date of the last time he puked. His stomach was now churning a thousand times worse than that moment in the SUV and he really had no idea if his streak would be broken or if it might survive. So many memories in his life now seemed to revolve around Steve McGarrett no matter how much he tried to stop them. He would focus on Grace and Grace alone, which used to be so easy to do and yet Steve always seemed to show up somehow. Danny removed the items from his pockets, let the guards search the folders in his bag that he carried instead of a briefcase knowing it would never look normal if he had an official looking briefcase, and then walked through the detector before making his way to the room where he would see Steve.
The door opened and Steve's breath caught in his throat. He tried to calm his nerves so that Danny wouldn't know the effect he still had on his partner but was convinced it didn't work. Especially not after the moment he caught sight of Danny's tie. Steve was taken right back to the day he first saw the tie and the stupid little comment he made about liking that particular tie and whatever it was about how it looked good on him. Danny couldn't possibly have remembered a moment as small as that was but damn it all to hell if Williams didn't have some sort of tiny grin on his face he was trying to fight back. Steve knew then he'd worn the tie on purpose.
"McGarrett." He said quietly, trying to sound official in case anyone was still in earshot before the door closed behind him. Danny sighed and softly whispered "Steve" as though it would break something in the room if he spoke any louder.
"Danny." Steve surprised himself with the lack of emotion in his voice knowing full well there were at least ten different emotions floating around inside his body that he was trying to fight off and not show to Danny.
Hearing the way Steve said his name felt as though a knife had just torn through his heart and Danny carefully placed the bag on the table before sitting down in the chair across from Steve. "How are you?"
"I'm in jail Williams, how do you think I am?"
This was not going well at all and Danny knew in that moment what a bad idea it really was coming to see Steve without him one thousand percent ready for the visit. "I'm sorry."
"Sorry for what Danny? Not believing me? Not telling me anything at all that had been going on in your life when we were partners? Not being there for me and stopping me or going in with me to help knowing I shouldn't do any of it alone? What Danny? What is it you're sorry for in this moment?"
"All of it. I'm sorry for all of it Steve. You're right; I should have stopped you or gone in with you so you wouldn't be alone. I should have been there as back-up because I am your partner. I should have told you everything. I'm sorry."
"No, you were my partner because right now there is no Five-0 and I am in a cell Danny. A cell where I cannot have anything you're able to have in that shithole apartment you call home. Yes, my home is now worse than yours." Steve waited a moment for that to sink in before asking "so, when do you go back to Jersey?"
"Not going back."
"I thought she was there waiting for you with Grace and..." Steve couldn't finish the statement. His voice was starting to break and he did not want that to give away the fact that his heart was already broken into a million tiny little pieces.
"And? Grace and?" Danny wanted to know if Steve really knew all of it so he could try and explain things...to tell him that there isn't a baby anymore, that there never was and it was a false alarm.
"Nothing." Steve stood and turned away from Danny. It was safer for him to face a concrete wall rather than face the man that had been his partner and best friend...the man that he had fallen for completely.
"No. I don't want to hear anything else about your life right now Danny." He took a deep breath and exhaled. "What have you done to help me get the hell out of here? You're working with Kaye right?"
"Yeah, she's been working with us. Kono too since she got out and Chin. He's been doing the most because it has been easier for him, what with being back on the force and all. That's why he did it Steve. He went back on the force to save you. We're all here to save you so no matter what you might think, there is still a Five-0 and we're all with you."
"You're not with me Danny. You are on the outside and I'm in here alone. Don't tell me any of you are with me." Steve turned and glared at Danny. "Fine. Grace and the new baby. When are you going to go to Rachel so you can be with Gracie and the new baby?" That one word seemed to cut right through his heart like the biggest knife he has ever had but he would use every ounce of strength he had not to show it. He will not show just how broken he really is.
"I'm not leaving. There is no baby Steve and Rachel is coming back here with Grace. They're coming home and I'm staying put so I can get you out of here. I am not leaving you McGarrett. I did not leave you. Once I realized where you were that night I made my decision. I knew I wasn't leaving because I had to find you and make sure you were okay you goof."
"Do not call me a goof Williams. I am not the goof in this situation. You thought you had gotten your married ex-wife pregnant." He folded his arms across his chest. "What in the hell were you thinking having sex with her while she was married, not to mention the fact you forgot all about protection? For an ace detective you were really stupid. Stupid Danny."
"Yeah, I know."
He couldn't stop the tears as they filled his eyes and he swiped at them with his hands before folding his arms once more. "When I went to pick up Gracie at the hospital...the two of you. Your bed. Why couldn't you tell me? I thought you...I thought that we...I don't know. I obviously thought wrong and you didn't give a damn. Thanks for that."
Danny stood and as Steve backed away from him he knew how much pain he had caused his partner. "Steve. Steve please."
"Please what? Why did you come here today Danny? To apologize because there's no baby? Because if you wanted to do that you failed. Haven't yet heard a decent apology with an explanation which is what I need, what I deserve. What was the whole thing you did with the heart Danny? Fuck. When the hell did I turn into some stupid teenager all stupid over some boy that is too fucking idiotic to be completely honest with me? Tell me you care about me. Tell me you still have feelings for Rachel because I could see it all along. Tell me you wanted to give it another try with her. Tell me that it is too fucking difficult, or painful, or just flat out fucking crazy to try for something with me. Just tell me Danny. All you had to do was to tell me something, anything, and instead I got nothing." He took a couple steps closer to Danny and had no idea what he would do when he was within arms reach of the man he had fallen for and broken him. He sighed and folded his arms once again. "I'm done Danny. You won't break me again. I let you in and I won't do it again. I can't."
"No, you cannot change my mind right now. Maybe later. Maybe if I come out of this okay then there might be something but not now. We had our chances; our moments and they're gone. I opened myself to you Danny, you knew that was anything but easy for me, and you threw it away. You broke me and I won't give you a chance to break me again, not in here, not in this place." He drew his gaze slowly to the floor and as he looked away from Danny's eyes he saw the tie again. That damned tie that once upon a time he said looked good on Detective Daniel Williams. That damned tie that went along with all of the other ties that annoyed the hell out of Steve but for whatever reason that one damned tie was the one damned tie he always liked.
Danny held back a smile when he saw the flicker in Steve's eyes as his gaze stayed a little too long on the tie before focusing on either the floor or his feet. He knew in that moment that he chose the right tie. He knew in that moment he had royally fucked up but that there was the slightest chance there could be something left there to build on. Danny wasn't giving up on Steve and he wasn't giving up on his heart. He searched for some tiny sign throughout the visit and he got it twice. The tie. He chose the right tie and in the next visit with Steve he would choose something else correctly. "I'll see you in a few days Steve."
"You don't need to come back Danny. I don't think I want to see you again."
"I do. I need to come back and I need to fix this. All of this. I am here for you Steve whether you want me here or not. I am not leaving." He picked up the bag and as he turned toward the door he softly spoke. "I'm here and I won't ever leave you again Steve, not physically, not in any way at all. Push me all you want but I'll be here." Danny knocked on the door and as they opened it for him he felt Steve's eyes on hi and knew at least something got through. He prayed that Steve would focus on whatever that glimmer of hope was instead of all of the brokenness that filled him that Danny caused all on his own even if he never wanted to hurt him. The door closed behind him and Danny felt he had to be almost as broken as Steve had been even though Steve being broken was the last thing in the world Danny ever wanted for the man he loved.